SRA, SA Triggers
Please read only if at ok place,
and don’t feel bad for stopping at any time
and not reading anymore!
Standing on my knees in a middle of human made 6 point star. Only 7 years old. My legs are tied. My hands are tied. My eyes are taped open. Middle of nowhere. Just burned grass and distant city lights at night.
Silhouettes of black robes with pointed hoods around star in a wide circle. Chanting filled the air. One silhouette carries a burning torch from behind the circle.
Muffled cries and thrashing comes from human star of tied up victims on a ground. Their heads touch in star points. Their feet touch as well.
Suddenly torches light up around circle. Every hood now has a lighted torch. I hear her voice coming from one of them. Command. Not in a language I recognize. First star point set on fire. Inhuman screams. Fire spreads rapidly along outline of the star but not fast enough for them. Each torch adds it’s own light to the star. Agonizing screams fade and pick up anew. Burning flesh. Demands for death and suffering. Unrecognizable language and frenzy.
Lashing with razor wire comes as screams subside as death finally claims the human star. Hoods approach me through the ashes and burned flesh of those who just died. I am on a ground beaten and raped as smell and sight of blood infuriates them even more. I feel burned body parts touching me as I am being thrown around.
I finally escape to the stars knowing they won’t be able to reach others inside and will get angrier seeing they only have a shell anymore. Only now it’s safe to escape.
Wounds that are so deep and buried Not to be spoken of or heard These are emotional wounds Wounds that I won't forget Going to therapy opens these wounds It hurts so bad I hurt myself Emotions are a serious thing to have And some emotions can lead to death Feelings of rage consumes me daily And when I act on them, it's dangerous I'm scared of myself when anger arises So how do I let it out?t no linger hurting on this t Everyone around me tells me I'm depro Why are my masks not working anymore They need to work in order for me to survive So WHY aren't they working? I have a plan and I'm going to carry it out I won't be doing it myself, but he'll be paid Heaven or hell, I'm not sure But no more hurting on this earth!!!
I am dedicationg this to 2 friends in this group and I pray they read it.... There's these friends in a place where I used to be I'm not sure how to get them out of it I know from experience Words wiithout actions make you fall deeper Trust and selfworth are things you don't possess You thrive on wothlessness and fantasy You feel like nothing and all alone You don't see the hand reaching out You choose to see what you want to see You refuse to see any good in anything (fear of being hurt again) You comvince yourself there's a tragedy A tregedy around every corner you turn Your life seems to be falling apart And you can't begin to think of what to do Everything seems dark, unreal, uncertain And once again you stand on your own We would be privelaged to help these friends We don't know what to say or do All I can think is to make them see See how precious they are to so many others.
Walls that protect me everyday Walls that keep people at a distance Walls that keep me safe from hurt Walls that isolate my heart Trapped in these walls is a little girl Longing to be loved for who she is Not just what she can offer Just to be loved unconditionally With no pretences, or threats With no sorrows or worries But that's not possible anymore She is broken and bruised Her heart wants to be free Free to love and adore But no way to escape Trapped in these walls is a little girl Please break these walls down Let her fly free Make her whole and heal her Help her, somebody, anybody....
A Shattered Mind
Once a whole complete unit in harmony A beautiful organ with the potential to grow The potential to open many doors for you on earth This is the descision making part or your being Through unimaginable torture and programming This beautiful treasure gets shattered and abused By shattering, it enables the body to carry on living This is a coping mechanism used to survive To the perpetrator, it's his way of keeping it quiet He uses this 'disorder' to his advantage Every shattered piece, has a name, age and gender "They" hold the memories and emotions the body couldn't They keep it secret until the core can face it They will then share what they've been through The core will then be able to build the puzzle of her life Lost parts are found and put into place The puzzle is far from finished at this time But in time, it will all come together And eventually the 'picture' will be complete And nothing will be in secret anymore This will be a glorious day in life A day of healing and restoration This is the day she will be whole again One mind, one body, one soul, one spirit.
GROUNDING TECHNIQUES FOR NIGHTMARES AND FLASHBACKS
Nightmares can be truly horrible and waking from one can leave you feeling very shaking and vulnerable. Trying to banish the pictures in your head of what has been happening in your dream can be very hard. Grounding techniques can be helpful in bringing you back to the real world. Put on a light. Try to get out of bed and put something warm on if you feel shivery. Make a hot drink and sit somewhere safe and comfortable. As you sip your drink say out loud your name, where you are and tell yourself you are safe. Look round your room and identify familiar objects. Your pictures on the walls, a favourite ornament, a special soft toy, which you may want to pick up and cuddle. If there are still images in your head that you don’t want to be there tell them out loud to go away and immediately focus on something very familiar in your room. Put down your drink, place your feet firmly on the floor, hold the arms of your chair, or clasp your hands in front of you, and physically feel the floor with your feet and feel the arms of the chair, or one hand grasping the other. Achieving this will literally “ground” you in the here and now. Now try to focus on your five senses; SEEING – look around you and say out loud five objects that you can see – maybe a picture, a bedside rug, a vase of flowers, your curtains, and a clock. HEARING – Maybe you can hear your own breathing, a clock ticking, birds beginning to sing outside, a familiar creak of floorboards, a car in the distance TOUCHING – the softness of one hand against the other, the fabric of your chair, the material of what you are wearing, the warmth or coolness of your skin, the hardness of a wooden table. SMELLING – any scent you might be wearing or soap you have used, the detergent you have washed your clothes in, maybe a cigarette if you are a smoker, any flowers that are in your room (leaves too have a distinctive smell), furniture polish. TASTING – the saltiness of your own skin, the trace of toothpaste in your mouth, the drink you have made yourself, imagine the taste of your favourite food, the cold taste against your tongue of the by now empty mug. All the above are only suggestions – you will find your own “five senses”. This will take as long as it takes. There is no time scale. Everyone is different. Like anything else it takes practise. We are all individuals. When you feel strong enough to return to bed tell yourself very firmly that you will not have that bad dream again. If it does visit you again, don’t blame yourself – it is NOT YOUR FAULT. Flashbacks can be described as waking nightmares and the techniques you have practised for dealing with nightmares can be employed in the same way. If you are indoors find a safe and comfortable place, repeat your name, and where you are, then use the same “five senses” exercise. If it happens when you are out, maybe shopping and you don’t feel safe move away from the area you are in. This is not “running away”. It is looking after yourself; listening to your inner self; doing what you feel to be right. Find somewhere you feel to be safe and then repeat you own name silently and use the “five senses” exercise. This will be different to being indoors, as you will probably experience less familiar sights, sounds, touches, smells and tastes. Be aware of your breathing – try to slow it down. Hyperventilating (breathing too rapidly) can worsen your feeling of panic and insecurity.
deep within the darkness swirls
rage and pain that the torture hurled
torments the mind of this little girl
anger has filled her entire world
you may see her laugh or even smile
but inside she is dying all the while
terrified to acknowledge the vile
she pushes it further in with denial
dady to day in her troubled mind
she seeks and looks to try to find
ways to distract and stay blind
to the horrors screamin inside
when she does try to feel
the reality becomes more real
the screams start to break the seal
getting too hard to conceal
terrified that others see
what for years she has denied to be
because of shame, she frantically
hidden from her evil reality
it is intense straight from the soul
the depths of pain beyond whats known
not able to hide it in her control
her tortured past begins to show.